I feel like Jeckyll and Hyde.

I’m a Pilates instructor. A fitness person. A motivator.

And I’m a sloth. A real lazy person.

Both.

And I swing wildly from one to the other.

I am the person saying, “C’mon, let’s stay in shape! Join my class! Pull in! Grow taller! Move it or lose it! Get the lead out! Just five more to go!”

Then I’m home scrolling and I don’t want to hear it. I want those people to go away. I don’t want to see them or hear them. I want to be left alone with my TV, computer, phone and snacks.

But I am them.

 I believe what I’m saying too. You will feel better if you get off the couch and work out. Yesterday I taught four classes, demonstrating a lot and biked to and from the studio, eight miles total. I felt that awesome internal energy you only get from physical activity.

And yet… Please leave me alone today.

Some days I’m productive. I’ll clean and organize and launder the whole dang house then start cooking a feast from scratch. Other days I just cannot keep a focused thought or get out of bed.

Is anyone else experiencing these incredible swings in energy, mood and motivation?

I know what I’m supposed to do – stay positive, exercise, do one productive thing but some days I just can’t. I think many of us are feeling this way – split in two. It’s the uncertainty. We still don’t know what is going to happen to our health and our family’s health and our businesses’ health. It’s scary. And deeply unsettling.

I desperately want this to be over. I want summer! I want to go out with my friends and family, go to restaurants and have a margarita, socialize! I want to reopen my studio, go to yoga and my Pilates teachers. I’m dying for a massage and an adjustment and oh god, I need highlights. I also need a teeth cleaning and a wax and a touch of Botox. I want to go to Wi Spa and get scrubbed and take a steam. I want my life back!

But there’s a small part of me that wants to remain sheltered in place, at home, hunkered down, staying safe in bed. Maybe we’ll never go out. When I wake up, who will I be  – Jeckyll or Hyde?